Understanding Heart, The Prequel

Welcome.

lisamarierodgers — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 01:12:49 +0000

This blog was once called “Halal Home” (Halal meaning Praise) and lived at MSN Spaces. MSN Spaces has since closed, but graciously arranged a move to WordPress.

There’s a progression here in these pages. These parts here? So strange now. And. I feel it would be foolish to let them go. For a brief synopsis, please visit the Prelude tab at the top.

If you read through to 2007, I invite you to join me here: understandingheart.blogspot.com

Because life gets better.

Much, much better.

I’ve packed what I’ve needed to …

lisamarierodgers — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:57:56 +0000

O, how I’ve wanted to pick up and blog again here like I
used to. Not because I think I
should. Not because I think I’ve
deprived anybody of anything {chortle}, but because I’ve just missed the
writing and the commenting and the creating …

But for some reason, after this summer’s events transpired
.. ugh. I had to delete some old posts
and entirely shift my photo albums around … and, of course, it still radiated “old
life, old life, old life.” Not a
sweet, spring bird little chirp … a hazy, hot late summer crow’s call. I wintered over this year in deep ways – put
myself into hibernation – and never really found the courage it took to
completely change course here at MSN. No
more detention worker, but no longer focused on teaching {not teaching at
all}. No longer married. No longer starting a family. But GOOD things have been happening , too …
so why can’t I share them here?

In many ways, this life is more healthy … but not the same,
and that sometimes takes awhile to realize.

I just need a fresh start, and I need my heart to not feel
heavy when I open up my page.

(I also need to post images more easily … and to not post comments
50 times … and to be able to disable myself from showing up in a google search
engine… I just need … more
lightness. A change.)

That said, you’re cordially invited to join me here from now on.

Because I’d like to encourage you as well as be real with
you …

Judge Judy is not my favorite daytime show.

lisamarierodgers — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:06:11 +0000

There’s a nasty, nasty bug going around this little vineyard town …

… and it has come to visit
me. Lucky, lucky me. I’m coughing everywhere, my tummy hurts from
the effort, my chest hurts, my ears hurt, my throat’s sore (you’re SO glad you’re
reading this, huh??) and I’m wondering when you should see a doctor for this
type of stuff. What’s being whimpy and
when it is truly time? Huh. And I haven’t been able to do step aerobics
or yoga or my core class in days.
Whimper.

I know I must be bored because I’m
going to attempt to post this blog downstairs – where the internet connection
is weak and it might post 50 times. Ah
well. Not the worst thing that could
happen! I’m never sure why my internet
has no problem with myspace or facebook or hotmail, but msn spaces … the two
are just NOT bff.

Things have been going so amazing
well lately, I can’t believe it. Eight
months later, I’m finally starting to breathe again … and breathe deeply. Well.
Right now there’s a lot of Vick’s VapoRub helping me do that, but you
know. Just in general.

I’ve started teaching kids’
church again and Holy Cow! Do I LOVE
kids’ randomness or what? During our
last discussion of Prov. 16:16, little cutie Kylar leaped up from his spot on
the floor, waving his hand frantically to let us know that the piece if colored
tape he was sitting on matched his bright yellow rain boots perfectly! O, the wonders! Depending on how long this single thing
lasts, I may just adopt on my own!
Maybe. What’s that you say? Raising kids is a lot harder than teaching
kids’ church for a couple hours during the week? Seriously?
I had no idea! (I say tongue in cheek …)

What else?

Last week, before the onset of
the radioactive, super powered nasty bug, we had our all girls skiing trip at
work. Wa Hooooooo! Being a girl in corrections is always an
interesting thing – which is an observation and not a complaint. We implemented our own all girls (snort – that’s
a whole 4 females out of a 15 person staff) skiing trip. We did NOT invite the boys because the boys
do NOT invite the girls to go paintballing or hunting or to take part in
fantasy football. Funny, but all those
things just have the numbers filled out perfectly, and adding more people will
just mess EVERYTHING up. Last year was
my first time ever. This year was so
much better. It has snowed 30 (yes, 30!)
inches the night before, and even though it was a little cold and windy, it was
fantastic. I only fell a few times and
actually went faster than a turtle. And,
this is such a MAJOR accomplishment for me, I only fell getting off the lift
once – I hadn’t scooted far enough up to the edge and had to do this amazingly
dork hoppy, jumpy little thing to avoid riding the lift back down. I keep being promised pictures, but that will
probably take a while …. It was SO
fantastic that we’re thinking about doing another supplemental trip and
inviting the boys … but we’ll see.

Ok. I should probably walk around and visit some
blogs, being that I’m such a fantastic, proactive blogger and everything ….

In and out …

lisamarierodgers — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 22:47:07 +0000

Hmmm …

So many things to write about … so few of them actually
noteworthy …

To reconcile, a bulletin blog:

· *
I survived my first solo holidays. Phew.
So glad there’s only one set of firsts for those!

·
* The first minutes of the New Year were spent
finishing up a very sweet, very innocent, low stress … contra dance. I would not have thought I would have liked
it either, but I have a dear friend whose family is very involved in this
community’s “friends of acoustic music” and they happen to provide the music for
it … o, yes, I have connections …

·
* During the holidays, my father ended up in the
hospital with a ruptured appendix, and then an internal infection, and then his
intestines quit working (sorry, Jorge, I realize that that explanation is
probably atrocious …) He’s better now,
thankfully.

·
* Last weekend was spent with a very dear friend –
the friend who told me that Jesus was a Very Good Thing – and her family. Last year was a tad on the melodramatic side
for both of us – divorces and miscarriages and such – it was good to reconnect
and to see ourselves coming out ok – just barely on The Other Side. She has a darling two year old and a four
year old (also darling)… am I destined to love on other people’s children for
the rest of my life? Huh. Just curious.
Dear Friend did say that she has a doctor friend that she’s wanted me to
marry … for the past eleven years. I
told her that was a long time. She
agreed.

·
* A very busy season at work with a few clients
who believe I’m the antichrist.
Sometimes that happens during social work. Wish I could say more.

·
* Now I will tell you something good about social
work, even though I am VERY tired out from the clients who obviously
MISTAKENLY believe I am an agent of dark
forces. I have a four year old on my
caseload who is just this most fantastic little man ever … who loves to sing …
while he goes to the loo. Didn’t know
this before Thursday and while I won’t be including it any court report, I do
so think it’s adorable.

·
* I love the I Tunes store. Love it.
Especially with my eclectic, mushed up, doesn’t make any sense taste in
music.

· *
We’ve had a bunch of sticky weather lately with
hurricane force winds … and I keep hoping that something will destroy my
little, barely running car so I can get a teensy bit of insurance money, but no
luck yet. I keep hoping.

·
* I live in a little, tiny vineyard town (I’ve
shared that before) that has just opened it’s 5^th Starbuck’s. No kidding.

So, I do hope everybody’s New Year is off to a fantastic
start and I DO hope to get around to everybody’s
places soon.

Vacation is over. Finally.

lisamarierodgers — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 17:16:52 +0000

I’ve started this 10 minutes before my
yoga class starts.

This is because it has been two
weeks since I’ve been to yoga and I’m doing everything to put it off. I just
know this is going to be painful.
Sigh. Vacations. What a pain, sometimes. This “vacation” brought even more car
drama. I’m done with cars. I’m reverting back to horse and buggy.

Except. I’m allergic to horses and so that won’t do
at all.

A long story short: more car problems headed back to Seattle. In Seattle, car got backed in to. Blech.
I really do need to go lie like a corpse in yoga and then I need to go
read my Bible. That would be a very good
idea, indeed.

The good news is that my family
is now officially done with Christmas (I do love Christmas, it’s just that if I
had to do Christmas after these past two weeks I’d probably cry.
Too much is too much. Listen to
me, I’m so wise [I say tongue in cheek]).
So now, it’s on to getting everything put into my original last name
(again), Christmas cards and sending the Christmas gifts that need to be
sent.

Now the real relaxing begins.

Geez. I hope when I go back to work I find that all
of my families have been able to maintain (primarily for their sakes). I can’t blog about my new job, really. It was easy to blog about my darlings in
detention.

Ah, give me a few weeks. I’ll figure it out.

And, by the way, I’ve posted just
a couple more pictures in the photo album re: This Christmas. There’s a picture of two Christmas trees
inside the resort, but there is something *really* creepy at the top between
the two trees. Any thoughts? Sister and I tried and tried and tried to
come up with a rational explanation and … couldn’t. As well, my parents decided to buy a tree
this year at a charity auction (picture of tree to come soon).

That is why our tree looked like
Happy Feet.

We are the Little Engine.

lisamarierodgers — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 22:41:33 +0000

I would apologize for my lack of posts, but I think what it comes down
to is this:

Nobody’s really bothered by it
except for me.

And I’ve apologized to myself, so
all is good on this end.

A very busy month. Holidays and final divorce hearings and busy
work related things.

My sister from Hawaii is here in
this small, vineyard town with me now, getting her Christmas time with us and is
fully enjoying the blustering wind and barren cold. She says she hates living in Hawaii. I’ve met several people who did not enjoy
living in Hawaii.

Still, it’s hard to imagine.

Saturday morning, long, long
before the sun came up I was in the car, toodling down the highway across the
state to the international airport I was supposed to pick her up at. And I made it. I was so very proud of myself. There is an ever increasing sense of pride in
the things I find myself being able to accomplish on my own now. Even if it is just finding the parking
garage and the right baggage claim area.
My day to day activities are very much ex parte matters now, and when I
ask myself questions, and come up with the right answers, I’m astounded. And grateful.

Sister and I reunited joyfully –
it has been two years since I’ve seen her – and we progressed further south,
where we were set to spend the night in a resort and spa, complete with
massages and facials the next day. After
this year, I can very easily justify such frivolity.

Exactly 17 miles from our final
destination (so close, considering I had been traveling at that point for
eleven hours), we ran into a snow storm.
On the coast. Irrelevant in the long
run, as Sister and I are champion snow drivers. Each snow flake was the size of my
fist. Not really, but it was very
fluffy. And accumulating quickly. Sister and I congratulated ourselves on our
good fortune – we really were having a Christmas get away.

I guess the point it became
relevant was when I realized that pushing down on the gas pedal was having no
effect and the car was dying on a busy rural highway. The oil light came on. Then the check engine light came on. Then the battery light came on. And then the car started slowing down
rapidly (aren’t these lights supposed to give me more than a 2 second warning?). I made it to side of the road (mostly). But was somewhat bewildered, as I had
borrowed my parents’ car specifically because I couldn’t trust that my own car
would be up to that much travel.

After the tow truck, after
waiting for the cab for two hours in a freezing car in the tow truck’s parking lot (watching
Sister amuse herself by drawing pictographs of our experience on the steamed up
window), (her artwork below), after opening the car door to have a gale of wind yank it out of my
grasp and force the door into the car next to it, after dropping ALL of my keys
into the drop box instead of just the car keys, after wrangling our luggage
into the cab in the heavy snow while the cabbie sat safe, warm and dry inside,
giving no thought to helping, after watching the cabbie greatly struggle to
keep the car on the road, after
repeatedly asking myself the right questions and coming up with the right
answers (I’ve never had a car break down and I’ve never been stranded in a
strange town), we arrived, cold, wet,
very tired, completely safe and no worse for the wear.

From the hotel lounge, we quietly
watched the snow continue to come down, drinks in hand.

The next day, Brother came up
from the next state down in his Big Red Truck for the Rescue. And thoroughly enjoyed pushing through the
snow and the slush to get there. And
thoroughly enjoyed pushing back through all the muck, dodging fallen trees,
making our way home. Brother always has
an amazing attitude towards the out of the ordinary, and driving 8 extra hours didn’t
faze him at all. I wonder at people like
that.

Getting to Brother’s home, Nephew
met us with Other Sister’ Car and we finished out our last 5 hours of
driving.

And arrived home. In blustering wind. Exhausted.

But with a lot of the right
answers.

In the true tradition of Sister
Dom, First Sister gave me my birthday present at the resort. My birthday was six months ago. This is the way we do things. Delighted enough with the box that said “Sephora,”
I was amazed at the vinyl bag that said “Grace.” Oh, of all the titles of products to gift.

Grace it is.

Playing catch up …

lisamarierodgers — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 03:17:37 +0000

About the pictures

At the end of September, my best
friend Stacey, her husband Josh and I took a trip down to Fortuna, California
for a Bethel Conference. I told God a
couple of things before that conference, after wallowing in terrible despair
for several days. I told Him that I
needed to hear I wasn’t disqualified and that I did not want a mountain top
experience. The spiritual highs just don’t
last and I don’t need God to be some sort of drug. I need to be changed in my core. The disqualified thing … well. This year I found out that you cannot work
for Wycliffe Bible Translators if you have had a divorce for any reason. Sigh.
It is not that I’ve ever really been interested in working for Wycliffe,
but it’s the principle of the thing.

So we went to this conference on spiritual identity and I
was very much changed in my chore. I did
not come home exhilarated, ready to change the world, but I did come home
knowing that when God looks at me, there is no scarlet letter “D” branded on
me. At the end of the conference, on our way home,
we stopped in Portland to go to this church’s first church service. We love these people. Josh and I helped Pastor Gary D. set up the
musical equipment early in the morning and Pastor Gary D. told me that if he
decided to do formal prayer time at the altar, that he wanted Josh, Stacey and
I to pray for the people. It did not
even occur to me that I was divorced, disqualified, etc., at the time. I had forgotten that these other things were
going on. After church, on our way over
the mountain, it did occur to me that maybe Pastor Gary had not heard the news
about me. But no, Josh said.

He knew. And he was proud of me. And he still considered me very much a part
of the ministry.

It can be a very difficult thing
to Believe so deeply and try to hang on to church communities when there is
such a taboo thing going on in your very own family. I did not understand this before. I understand it now. And I have been very, very blessed to be
wholly and undoubtedly supported by my closest friends and my church family.

But most of these pictures, to
get back to my original topic, were not of the conference. They are of our fabulous side trip to Paul
Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. The last
time I had seen them was 20 years ago. I was 9.

Funny how they haven’t changed at
all!

Slow genius.

lisamarierodgers — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 22:52:59 +0000

AHA!!

If I go to the main floor of the house I live in (but rent the basement apartment) and plug in the nifty blue phone cord to the laptop, I can actually load pages in a decent amount of time — AND — as an ADDED BONUS — I do NOT leave comments 50 times for other people!

What an incredible day. Now, I must celebrate by continuing to deep clean the house and work on my final divorce papers. (Note: I am not being tongue in cheek and I’m not celebrating the divorce. But I will be working on the papers this afternoon. I’m sure you very much wanted all of that information.)

I am no mountain warrior

lisamarierodgers — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 05:27:49 +0000

O, you know.

I just haven’t been ready to come back yet. You know how it is. It’s just a space, but it reminds me so much of other things. My story changed. I did not change, (ok, maybe I did a little) but my story changed.

So here it is. I like my job. I like working with five year olds. Five year olds tell very good jokes. But it is all in the delivery. Trust me. I did not like getting a lice check today, but what can I say. When you visit people’s houses sometimes things happen.

For the record, I do NOT have lice.

I’ve started yoga. Hmm. I don’t get a lot of things. I really don’t get "baby crow." I don’t think I’m ready for anything with feathers yet. Maybe I will understand it one day. My sister, who lives across the ocean, has also started yoga. She’s visiting in early December and I’m sure she will be able to explain it then. If she has time. We plan to be very busy.

But, for now, I have to rescue my shoes out of the washer so that they are dry in time for pilates tomorrow. Something else to occupy my time. I’ve had to be very creative with my time lately. I didn’t realize how much more time there’d be …. !

Demolition Derbies and Bathroom Tiles…

lisamarierodgers — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 02:52:22 +0000

… in the same week

and with the same intensity ….

Only, my bathroom tiles did not catch fire spontaneously.
Although, I wanted, at times, to set them on fire purposefully.

In the new apartment, the bathroom floor was the worst. Well, maybe not worse than the shrimp bugs that want to be my roommates down here, but pretty bad. Worn, stained linoleum. I so wanted a pretty bathroom with pretty tile; I negotiated with my landlords, who are my friends and so I hate calling them "landlords", and we arranged to put in pretty bathroom tile. The adhesive kind, which is understandable — it is a rental and Lord knows how long I’ll be here.

The problem is, I’m terrible with dimensions and numbers and laying things out. So I, and a friend, ripped it out and it made the most wonderful ripping, popping noise as we tore it with no remorse. Then we put down a scary chemical to eat the adhesive underneath. Unfortunately, I accidentally kneeled in it and it ate my knee. (But I’m feeling much better now.) Scraping the adhesive wasn’t as fun as ripping out the linoleum. And then I removed the caulk.

And it REALLY wasn’t as fun as ripping out the old stuff.

Because I was so dimensions phobic, a different friend actually laid the tile down. That was a relief.

I am a chicken.

It looks great now.

We had to take a break in working in the bathroom, though, to go to the demo derby. I’d never been to one before and am not quite sure what to say about it. It was fun. The company was fun. I met a new friend. Her name is Daisy and she’s 4 years old. She very much likes it when the cars "go boom" and the siren fire trucks come out to put out the fires. As well, her favorite color is pink and she says she likes to eat bugs, but she may be lying about that.

She talked the entire time.

I’m not sure I’ll go back to another derby, though. I’m not sure how the next one would be different ….

This weekend, a quick trip back home where I got the incredible opportunity to tell yet even more people that Husband and I are no longer together. Geez. Looking into all of those disappointed faces is just no fun at all. But, today was spent up in the mountains of Oregon watching the kids splash around, shivering blue in mountain creeks and looking for huckleberries in the bushes. No huckleberries, but my feet are nice and sunburned around my sandal lines and I’m ready to start the new job tomorrow …